Loop

 Isolation.

I need to stay away. Silence. Distance.

First I am in transition, letting go of outer energies

Then I feel loneliness in my bones, and the longing follows

With the urge to reconnect, rebirth of words

But too long has passed and I haven't moved an inch

Maybe someone observed it and thought that's weird

Maybe they're angry at me for not replying

Not being an useful tool-friend as I was trained to be, as well as trained to attach my value to it

As if I didn't deserve anything in life unless I'm paying for it with either efforts or funds

Nothing good could come for free...

An existence trapped and doomed to have no love

For love is nothing but free and it's in all that's good

Now I'm ashamed and guilty and I can't even seek

Reconnection or getting help is such a far dream

I feel like I have failed everyone, everything and me

Above all things, me, such a disappointment

What a waste of breath, space. The list goes on...

But would the world really be better without me?

I don't think so, because I let my heart speak louder, if not all days at least sometimes

And I care about the future, and I care everytime more

But for my mind, nothing could ever suffice

I'll always be insufficient and unworthy

Never good enough even when making my ultimate efforts

And that is the truth for me

That is my core reality and you can't alter it

You don't get to come to my world and love me

Without no reason and no purpose, no effort and no price, like a fake scam prize when seen by my wary eyes

Your love offer is a mistake or a fake

The only thing it cannot be is real

Because if love is free and easy and natural

That means the whole world is upsidedown and

Nothing is as I seemed to perceive them

And right now it's overwhelming the whole idea of

Re-learning everything about life

Well I need to be alone and think these things thru

I'm so very burdened by the thoughts from outside of me

Maybe I'm just confused and need to clear my head

Be alone a while to let the energies settle and...

Let everything begin once more, with passion.

The act of hugging

 I don't think I am good at allowing other people to know me. I've just been confronted with the fact that even when I try to be open and fully honest, people's wirings will act and disrupt the process of understanding my uncommon personality.

So, since the only thing I really feel like I'm good at is writing, maybe if I write everything down, one day I might be understood (at least by those I care for). I've decided to write about random things about me as they come to my mind, and for my readers who enjoy the poetry (or the misery) I don't recommend to keep reading.

One day I met a random person and he was mourning the death of a young friend. I could feel his pain in the air surrounding me, trying to glue to my body in the shape of pain on my shoulders. It was hard to stand in his presence and sit straight. Instead of walking away, I was taken by the desire to help so instead I gave him a brand new vision of what is possible as far as attitude options go. Many times we suffer or make poor choices because we've never been taught or just never imagined other options exist. After that, I offered him a hug and instead of absorbing his horrible energy, I offered him my energy of the desire to release him from his suffering. A couple weeks later he asked me out to hang and talk and while we were on the car, he touched my leg. A red flag was raised immediately in my brain and I pushed his hand away and told him not to touch me in any way at all, because I don't like it. When we arrived where we were going, because he remembered the hug I had given him the first time, he wanted to hug. I wasn't in the mood because of the red flag but I did, and when I reached my limit on physical contact and retreated, he kept pushing and asking for just a little bit longer, and then just one more hug to say goodbye. I felt that hug as vampirism, as if he was trying to steal away my energy that I wasn't offering this time. Another week passed and he reached out to me to ask me out, and I said no. He asked "what about tomorrow?" And I said no. I said I'd try another day but as long as he knew upfront there would be zero hugging or contact of any type. And he got offended. I'm still thinking this through. How to communicate that I might want to hug you on a day, and not feel like it on the next day or the next hour? It's absolutely rare for me to always want to hug one same person. For me, that demands a love connection. Because I hug with love, so it's either a love demonstration/connection for the people I love, or it's a love act for people who I assume are in need of fraternal love at the moment. 

I just remembered there was an occasion when a girl actually tried to force me to hug her and I ran away. It's not a gender thing, although I admit that the chances of me wanting to hug a man are extremely lower than a woman. Not because of prejudice or a sense of superiority, but because I am afraid of men in general after all the abuse I've suffered in my life.

A hug is intimate but not sexual, it's love in it's purest form: an offering of warmth, comfort and connection.

The only difference to this for me is a hug between partners, because I believe that I am the person who seeks a hug as a safe haven. When I think of being hugged, I feel like being embraced, accepted, protected. It feels like no harm can come to pass if I'm in my partner's arms. I've felt like this before, but I have a lot of difficulty to even imagine this happening nowadays. I've grown ever demanding and too odd to be able to pair up...

:(

 I'm running short on words to express

How completely overwhelmed I feel by life as it is.

I'm trying not to crash while watching the death of my dreams join hands with the absence of everything that matters on my daily existence.

My body is disgusted by the fake food that rules America and still I'm craving anything to eat just to keep my mind from thinking about smoking. It's just so many bad habits involved that I am not sure what is cause and what is consequence.

I can foresee a snap taking place 

But I must go on, and I cannot give up

Sometimes what was supposed to be the greatest gifts in life turn out to be the greatest punishments.

What's the point of having what you never dreamed of, that takes away your only dream?

What's the point of living, if it feels like a mad race against yourself, and you can't enjoy the beauty of nothing at all?

I don't want to talk, I need to isolate, I don't want this conscience that grows like a disease inside my mind to contaminate anyone else...

Midnight confessions

 I search the skies for answers

I try to distinguish what's mine and what's not

I feel you in waves so overwhelming

I'm drowning at times

✨️

I think I'm loosing my mind

How could any of this be true?

Still, how could I deny such powerful feelings?

I feel you with me all the time

No peace of mind until you can rest by my side

In this invisible net we are entangled deeply

It couldn't seem more wrong

But it couldn't feel more right

I am struggling to be me, just me

But I guess we've always been one

Fighting for love every and each life

I wish it could be more simple, sometimes

All I want is for your heart to be mine

As it always was, as it always will be

Life after life

I'm so afraid to trust this is real

Yet I am running out of time

I'm too tired to read the signs

So I wished upon a star

I wake up from dreams of you

And all I want to do is cry

Life tastes so bittersweet 

Without you by my side

I don't know what to do - will you be my guide?

On the edge

 I want to scream at the multiverse

I want to hate everything around me with all my strength 

I wish I could just let go of things in my heart once I set my mind on letting go 

I feel so out of my own control and it doesn't seem fair at all to be trapped at this point of life when I could be about to have anything and everything 

I don't understand why I experience things to this depths

I don't know why would my innocence be restored just to be hardly shattered right after

I wish I had the power to transmute into a butterfly and fly away for good

And then peacefully die right after, that's what butterflies do

They were never meant to endure

The ugliness of this cold world and broken hearts

I keep repeating to myself that this too shall pass, when every cell in my body tells me "not this time"

So I ran over myself to try and get out of this trap

But all it made me feel was way worse

Because nothing makes sense anymore 

Not all the beauty in the world  can let me forget what is lying hidden in my heart 💔 

I wish I had the power to erase all my dreams and hopes

And while I don't find the way for that to be true, I hide myself under my skin

I won't give up until I cease to exist

And become just a fucking shadow like every shallow person out there

My soul can just R.I.P. when it's no longer in this horrifying human facade

And so goes on the battle between light and darkness

I never felt more intensely that we're bound to loose in the long run

Because humans will never choose love overcoming all circumstances 

They prefer deceit and appearances

And darkness will take every single damned last heart that beats

Until all the lights ✨ in this wide multiverse go out 

Until love is no more

Perfect Timings

 I'm not writing poetry today, I'm just letting things out of my chest before they consume me in bitterness. I feel so deeply upset with the blindness of people to the simple things in life...

Love doesn't demand, doesn't expect grand gestures or offerings. Doesn't require perfect timing to happen. However,  when it does happen it's nothing less than a sign of the universe saying yes ✨ to the spark that burns in lovers' hearts. 

While I watch the development of behaviors from people around me, I close myself deeper and deeper, I detach myself as best as I'm able to because waiting for other people to meet me at my level of depth has taken a toll on me I didn't expect.

I began nurturing resentment and letting go seemed like the only path to take. Now I feel once more completely out of reach emotionally and I don't know how I'll ever open up again. I don't even know if I want to. And it sucks. I promised myself I would never again open up my heart to anyone but this last time it felt so right I had to let go of my stubborn ways and acknowledge that I was already under that spell. I felt trust, I felt endless desire, I felt like despite all odds, things seemed real. And once more I sit here with my shadows, trying to put the puzzle of my broken heart together.

Maybe it never even happened to begin with, and it was just a goddamn illusion.  Maybe the odds were too low for anyone to even take a chance. I trapped myself in silence, and I might not have said everything on my mind, but I am sure I did make clear that I was going out of my way to be around this loved one. I went so far on that path that I couldn't recognize myself and realized I had become a reflection of the other. Other half of my soul.

I still hurt from choosing to say goodbye. The distance and silence that never seem to cease growing still pierce through my heart daily. But I can't play hot and cold anymore. I can't live walking on eggshells all the time and wondering whether I am loving alone.

I let go... and I wish you well. I summon all my heart and place it in a shell. That way all the beautiful things I feel will be protected in the memory of the sea, in the water of countless lakes, in the warmth of the sun I locked my desire, and in a trillion stars I lock the brightness of the way your eyes ignite me.

I set you free, because I don't have the ability to love halfway. I set me free because I deserve peace of mind, even if it comes at the price of emptiness of the heart.

I shed a tear, and I promise it shall be the last one that has my soul attached to it.

And with my very particular INFJ way of being, I close this door 🚪 and walk away as if nothing has ever come to pass.

I'm empty, but empty means that there's space for new things to come.

Star-crossed

 When you smile, something else takes place

Something magical, something incredible 

In that moment I see such an intense glow

As if all the lights in this universe ✨ 

Where coming from inside your eyes 👀 

Instead of blinded by it, I feel drawn in 

Like a colossal magnet 🧲 that pulls me closer

I can't help but smile too and I can't walk away 

Like a Siren calling out for my soul 

I'm trapped in the magic of your eyes

And I can't even dream of letting go

In my dreams you're always there

Saying things I can't forget

Piercing through me with your gaze

And I feel it when I'm wide awake 

Captivity has never felt more appealing 

I'm on the edge of this wonderland

I see glimpses of all that our souls dream of

I hear the whisper of your thoughts

The taste of your desire lingers on my lips

I watch as this dance unfolds, patient 

As our paths pull us closer all the time

And a part of your soul lives inside me

I don't feel alone even when I am

Your embrace holds me anywhere everywhere 

And all day long my thoughts are with you 

Laughing at what you'd make fun of

Listening to your valuable advices

I don't know how or why, yet I do know

This is way beyond any control

I tried and tried to cease it's effects 

I tried to deny, to walk away, to zoom out

From the massive pull of your heart

And I lost, no matter what 

Surrendering is the only choice I've got

How could stars align to enable

Such a sparkling connection 

Such an overwhelming feeling 

Such a mighty reward for those who walk

The path of empathy and kindness 

I'm reborn in the light of this love

And I feel such strength and nourishment 

I could live forever happy even if all I had

Was this ethereal piece of your soul 

That already lives inside me

And I miss you when you're gone 

But you're never really gone

Are you?

Safe Haven

 All I've ever dreamed of was living truthfully as I am, never hiding in the shadows. My thoughts, my words, my tenderness, never kept hidden.

Feeling safe to express myself naturally instead of thinking if it's appropriate or not to feel whatever I'm feeling.

The mind is able of transforming itself into a prison, where I'm trapped by my own thoughts. It's a very lonely place. I become more and more like a ghost, absent of my own self, invisible. I push people away because it's clear we could never see eye to eye. 

Until we do. It's when you meet someone who reflects the depths of your prison in their eyes, that's when you can feel seen. No longer behind a veil that separates the common and the broken. Peace can be found there in chaos.

As if the rest of the world would disappear, a safe haven exists in this presence, that is so much more than physical: a soul bound, telepathic, synchronic, overwhelming.

It's the silver lining ✨ 

Walls

 I hear them growing taller

The walls around my heart

I feel them shutting down on it

I'm under the weight of loneliness

And darkness takes its toll on us 

I feel the words disappear, my mouth empty

I've been waiting in vain for an insanity dream

The colors fade away into smokey gray 

Even the trees ceased their dance 

All is silent and dead

Dust is pilling up on the corners of my heart 

Nature shall balance with destruction 

For every hidden act of love

A sword shall bathe in blood

I heard the bells 🔔 

Shutting all roads to my heart

And a river of tears is washing away 

From the core of me 

I can taste a goodbye in the tip of my tongue

I'm leaving and can't return 

My whole world has taken a turn 

For it is unbearably dangerous to hope

I bury all of it now and here

High hopes, huge falls

💔 

The hourglass

 I'm dreamwalking to make you mine

Finding in other worlds a place where we are

Endlessly entangled in love

All it takes is a turn of the hourglass

And that's a burning flame 🔥 that shall last

Last and last 'till the fabric of this universe

Crumbles on itself for a new beginning 

I'm sure I will love you then, all over again

Until our awaken souls realize

We were always just one

Your hands in mine

As the spark that sets everything in it's right place

We'll never die

Toque

 A poesia como um rio corre pela pele

Anseia pelo toque cujo mero pensar provoca arrepios

E a espera pulsa morna sob a pele, em silêncio

Saborosa angústia que degusto com pecaminosa frequência assombrosa

É em si próprio deleite

Te quero como o tempo fazendo curvas em Dalí

E a falta que me fazes às vezes parece ausência do próprio ar

Encontro-te em tudo ao meu redor, a cada momento 

Fizeste morada em meu pensamento

E este se põe a criar, como labaredas sob este estrelado céu

A poesia tem sabor de nostalgia

Em meu coração estilhaçado

Traz reparação desmedida

E não sinto mais do medo, o laço 

Que por tanto tempo me consumiu

O caminho segue incerto

Mas o destino está claro

Ninguém manda nos caminhos do coração

Will the time ever come?

 My eyes are wide open

I absorb the beauty around me like an avalanche 

A love so deep, so intense

For the Moon, every cloud, star and tree

For the bunnies and squirrels running wildy

And all the birds singing as if it was just for me

Then I close my eyes in gratitude and regret it instantly 

I don't want to ever close my eyes 

I don't want to miss a thing 

I want to forever drown in the beauty of now

And I smile because after all I've been thru 

There's still such a powerful love for life in me

But I feel lost in between living what's necessary now

And that witch my soul knows it's meant to be

I wonder if there's enough time to do all I have to do

Will the time ever come to let go of all worries?

Will the need to carry the entire weight of the world on my sore shoulders and feet ever cease?

Will I ever be truly free to indulge in embracing my gifts and allow myself to stop the real world 

And enter the wonderland of an author's journey?

I've been waiting for it for decades

Unaware of how to get things done

Or perhaps unprepared to truly commit

I know how now

But the real world is still getting in the way

Of all my dreams coming true

A peaceful home isolated from everyone 

Surrounded by nature and loved ones

One day at a time, loving, caring and writing

Music, food, paper and pen

And kisses before bedtime 

I see it all laid out before my closed eyes

And that is why I still keep them wide open

It hurts to dream and see all that might never come true

💔 Liv Louback 

Where tears come from

 Tears show up uninvited 

I am blushing and wishing for invisibility powers

I'm scared to look inside and find out why I'm crying 

There are so many different feelings flowing through me right now 

I can't make any sense of myself - and the only thing I know is that there is no going back

Dreams are being dismissed and replaced

And love is also dying and creeping from unusual never imagined places

I'm overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed 

I can't stop myself from feeling, although I'm great at keeping my everything hidden

At least I used to be, up to now

And now... well, now there's you and your fierce sharp eyes always watching 👀 

Seeing more of me than myself 

Paying attention to things I didn't know about myself 

Oh, well - that scares the crap out of me

No more poetry intended or unintended 

Words are flying around my mind and once again I face my own self-imposed censorship 

I am not supposed to feel

I'm not supposed to feel this

I'm not supposed to feel like this for you

But censorship has only led me to darkness

And I'll cross any roads not to go there again

I'll walk for miles in the cold freezing roads

I'll go against all the rules of normalcy 

If that's my path, so it shall be 

Still, there's always that tiny blinking warning that says I've gone mad

That all I feel is wrong, impossible, twisted 

That allowing myself to feel this love will drive me insane and result in that same old abyss 

I feel like a chickenshit scared toddler 

Trying to learn my steps

Frozen between guts and fear

But then I remember toddlers are fearless 

'Cause they don't know what dangers lie ahead

How could I ever clean my heart and soul from the knowledge of all that can go wrong in the paths of love? Is it even possible? And if it is, do I really want to dwell in such naive innocence once more?

...

In a brief look inside the depths of my heart and soul, HELL YES, I want that more than anything else in life. But not unconditionally!

I can't survive heartbreak again if I restore my innocence

So, I push it away from me

I entangle in a grown-up game and no one takes my heart when they're taking me on a date

My body, yes, even my soul might show up too

But my heart is always absent, frozen, forever frozen

I feel it racing every time I look at you 

And that is why I hide

I can't take another step unless you take me by the hand

And how I long for your hands in mine, and how I dread it terribly at the same time

I'm just repeating myself to say

I don't mind if you don't mind

Can you read my mind?

🔥Liv Louback