Perfect Timings

 I'm not writing poetry today, I'm just letting things out of my chest before they consume me in bitterness. I feel so deeply upset with the blindness of people to the simple things in life...

Love doesn't demand, doesn't expect grand gestures or offerings. Doesn't require perfect timing to happen. However,  when it does happen it's nothing less than a sign of the universe saying yes ✨ to the spark that burns in lovers' hearts. 

While I watch the development of behaviors from people around me, I close myself deeper and deeper, I detach myself as best as I'm able to because waiting for other people to meet me at my level of depth has taken a toll on me I didn't expect.

I began nurturing resentment and letting go seemed like the only path to take. Now I feel once more completely out of reach emotionally and I don't know how I'll ever open up again. I don't even know if I want to. And it sucks. I promised myself I would never again open up my heart to anyone but this last time it felt so right I had to let go of my stubborn ways and acknowledge that I was already under that spell. I felt trust, I felt endless desire, I felt like despite all odds, things seemed real. And once more I sit here with my shadows, trying to put the puzzle of my broken heart together.

Maybe it never even happened to begin with, and it was just a goddamn illusion.  Maybe the odds were too low for anyone to even take a chance. I trapped myself in silence, and I might not have said everything on my mind, but I am sure I did make clear that I was going out of my way to be around this loved one. I went so far on that path that I couldn't recognize myself and realized I had become a reflection of the other. Other half of my soul.

I still hurt from choosing to say goodbye. The distance and silence that never seem to cease growing still pierce through my heart daily. But I can't play hot and cold anymore. I can't live walking on eggshells all the time and wondering whether I am loving alone.

I let go... and I wish you well. I summon all my heart and place it in a shell. That way all the beautiful things I feel will be protected in the memory of the sea, in the water of countless lakes, in the warmth of the sun I locked my desire, and in a trillion stars I lock the brightness of the way your eyes ignite me.

I set you free, because I don't have the ability to love halfway. I set me free because I deserve peace of mind, even if it comes at the price of emptiness of the heart.

I shed a tear, and I promise it shall be the last one that has my soul attached to it.

And with my very particular INFJ way of being, I close this door 🚪 and walk away as if nothing has ever come to pass.

I'm empty, but empty means that there's space for new things to come.