I don't think I am good at allowing other people to know me. I've just been confronted with the fact that even when I try to be open and fully honest, people's wirings will act and disrupt the process of understanding my uncommon personality.
So, since the only thing I really feel like I'm good at is writing, maybe if I write everything down, one day I might be understood (at least by those I care for). I've decided to write about random things about me as they come to my mind, and for my readers who enjoy the poetry (or the misery) I don't recommend to keep reading.
One day I met a random person and he was mourning the death of a young friend. I could feel his pain in the air surrounding me, trying to glue to my body in the shape of pain on my shoulders. It was hard to stand in his presence and sit straight. Instead of walking away, I was taken by the desire to help so instead I gave him a brand new vision of what is possible as far as attitude options go. Many times we suffer or make poor choices because we've never been taught or just never imagined other options exist. After that, I offered him a hug and instead of absorbing his horrible energy, I offered him my energy of the desire to release him from his suffering. A couple weeks later he asked me out to hang and talk and while we were on the car, he touched my leg. A red flag was raised immediately in my brain and I pushed his hand away and told him not to touch me in any way at all, because I don't like it. When we arrived where we were going, because he remembered the hug I had given him the first time, he wanted to hug. I wasn't in the mood because of the red flag but I did, and when I reached my limit on physical contact and retreated, he kept pushing and asking for just a little bit longer, and then just one more hug to say goodbye. I felt that hug as vampirism, as if he was trying to steal away my energy that I wasn't offering this time. Another week passed and he reached out to me to ask me out, and I said no. He asked "what about tomorrow?" And I said no. I said I'd try another day but as long as he knew upfront there would be zero hugging or contact of any type. And he got offended. I'm still thinking this through. How to communicate that I might want to hug you on a day, and not feel like it on the next day or the next hour? It's absolutely rare for me to always want to hug one same person. For me, that demands a love connection. Because I hug with love, so it's either a love demonstration/connection for the people I love, or it's a love act for people who I assume are in need of fraternal love at the moment.
I just remembered there was an occasion when a girl actually tried to force me to hug her and I ran away. It's not a gender thing, although I admit that the chances of me wanting to hug a man are extremely lower than a woman. Not because of prejudice or a sense of superiority, but because I am afraid of men in general after all the abuse I've suffered in my life.
A hug is intimate but not sexual, it's love in it's purest form: an offering of warmth, comfort and connection.
The only difference to this for me is a hug between partners, because I believe that I am the person who seeks a hug as a safe haven. When I think of being hugged, I feel like being embraced, accepted, protected. It feels like no harm can come to pass if I'm in my partner's arms. I've felt like this before, but I have a lot of difficulty to even imagine this happening nowadays. I've grown ever demanding and too odd to be able to pair up...
