The unknown

 Everything that I can't understand

Holds power over me, a power to inflict

Crippling fear and anxiety

I'm working on giving up the need to understand 

But with it comes the collateral effect of losing the ability to stay or care

I've been so scared of letting go

Yet I see absolutely no other alternative

And now comes once more the dreadful pain

Of starting from scratch, of healing wounds

Thay may never truly close after being so jaded

Here I sit with my shattered corpse

Trying at least to stop crying long enough to call my kids and wish them a merry Christmas

I'm at a crossroads with faith, feeling forsaken

Feeling invisible in the face of vile cowardly betrayal

There's no support left and all paths available

Seem to lead back to death

No glimpse of hope in my words today, nor in any other part of me

I sit here contemplating whether to end everything

With the guilt that comes with it

Out of a sense of responsibility for those I love

But how much pain suffices to say enough is enough?

What exactly is being expected of me on this mission?

Rape, abuse, violence, poverty, humiliation, manipulation, betrayal, heartbreak, bone breakage, disease, hunger, the pain of childbirth, endless lies, and so much that's better left forgotten clearly isn't enough to be bestowed upon the plate of this warrior carrying God's light of love. 

Perhaps death is just one more item on the list

My ultimate vengeance is to give up

Leave with the job unfinished

And refuse to ever return, and further more

Trap myself in the agony of limbo for eternity

All the while carrying the open scar of the ultimate betrayal

The one that could only come by the hands of true love 

Winter is coming

 Trees are trading colors for bones

And the slippery ice awaits the uncoordinated

I'm once more tunning in on Existence's wavelength

Hearing the most confusing messages

I had a sudden urge to go home to my kids

And a few hours later I got fired

Less than 24 hours after, I slipped on ice at my doorstep

And somehow I hear the world around me and everyone in it

Screaming at me, telling me to leave

As if the "accidents" will just keep on going until I leave or die

Just yesterday I was pointing out the fact that whenever I try to act on my free will, ignoring entirely the synchronicities I've learned so well to recognize and understand, I am punished by having something I care for or need removed from my life abruptly, or I get hurt (physically and/or emotionally). It sometimes feels like too much pressure on an incarnate soul, just saying.

I have taken my time for rebellion, and now it's like small puzzle pieces are falling from the stars into alignment in my head.

I shushed the fears out by remembering they can only break loose my chaos, and boy don't I have a lot of that in here! Witchcraft is bringing order to chaos, and if you have stepped into tempering with chaos, you must never loose control, or chaos unleashed will consume your life until there's nothing left.

I'm awakening from spiritual slumber and I come ready for a new adventure and ready to be fully me, because that's all I can be.

Teardrop

 Like a sea of salt and water

Born within the depths of my eyes 

I'm flowing in a waterfall while starring at 

The empty seat of you

Turns

I wonder if you ever thought that this cold shoulder was some sort of a turn on

As if something so clearly immature would be a reason to stay or turn around my head

I was waiting for you to make changes and perhaps turn to the honest side of the game of life

And as you dwell in the depths of all I believe that is wrong with society and say it to my face

(as if it bears no consequence at all)

I turned my head up to the skies for guidance

And they turned off my heart 💜

Such an unprecedented turn of events

For me, and you, and all the turns in life

Twisting my insides

While the clock goes on endlessly;

Time turns back for no one at all.

Mother apart

 Your soul speaks to me and I love all your silences

I can hear you thinking in colors and shapes

And in a smile our whole world is explained

Your light shines brighter than mine and I'm proud

Of how easy it is to get you laughing, and all else

Please be always and ever my darling boy

I'll bend the world over to learn and teach how to handle soft sensitive souls

You don't need to change who you are

You're a precious shiny star ✨

Today the world shall cherish your soul

Who knows?! Perhaps exactly the soul that reshapes the energetic balance ⚖️ of the world. 

I miss you, E 🎈🎂

A rose and it's thorns

I've been struggling to transform chaotic feelings into coherent well-structured sentences that could increase the level of understanding between our confused hearts and minds. 

Today I had the chance to do something for the first time and as I discovered myself excited about it, I felt my soul immediately sharing the joy and excitement with the shadow of your soul that inhabits my mind space. And it took me almost an entire second to remember I couldn't really tell you it was about to happen or share any of it with you. And that simple realization was just what it took to swipe away my joy. Now I am here and I'm skipping out on something I've been waiting to partake in what feels like ages, but it sounds silly and of no importance at all unless I could share it with the only one person who can actually understand the importance and meaningfulness of the experience. 

Today I was having lunch totally isolated in the woods inside my car and screaming at the universe for saying things such as divine timing. If the universe was a person I'd beat the fuck out of him/her. I'd break their teeth against the floor with my bare hands, that's how mad I am. I refuse to believe that divine timing planned and schemed to make me hurt to a suicidal point. I refuse to trust that there's a God who knows my soul to it's very core and still expects me to believe that this unnecessary delay is actually beneficial. Maybe it even is, but to whom?! Not me, not my kids. Today Perseu asked me to come home tomorrow. He said "it's very simple. You get on a plane and you get here on the next day. So are you coming tomorrow?". I tried to explain I need a document, and it's expensive. He's five. When he understood it was not tomorrow, the light fled from his eyes once more and my soul died again for the thousandth time. My heart wants to run home 🏡

Tomorrow it'll be one year since I promised I'd be back to them. Not more than six months, I promised. And the world fell apart because I couldn't do something simple as lying. It burns and stings. I don't know why, but it does. It's never unnoticed. Guilt arrives even before the words touch the tongue like poison, heavy and steady.

So many things are getting lost in the shores of consciousness while I try to make sense of destiny...

The ghost of a scream

 Shattered

Again and again and again

Even when I think darkness can't thicken any further

It spreads it's roots deeper in my soul

And all I feel is loneliness

Tears drowning me inside out

I hide so far away inside me

That I can't even feel myself anymore

There's a void like a vortex destroying everything so quickly, fiercely and unpredictably

And I am nothing but the ghost of a scream

I prayed for release because I can't bear no longer

My entire life has been sold out

And I am once more reduced to ashes

I cry rise, Phoenix, rise

All the angels are crying with me, around me

Their light reflecting on the water drops

And fate has spilled it's cup

Not this time, yet again, my efforts wasted 

All this pain in vain

And the veil remains before your endless eyes

I bury myself under ice

I cannot afford to feel