Loop

 Isolation.

I need to stay away. Silence. Distance.

First I am in transition, letting go of outer energies

Then I feel loneliness in my bones, and the longing follows

With the urge to reconnect, rebirth of words

But too long has passed and I haven't moved an inch

Maybe someone observed it and thought that's weird

Maybe they're angry at me for not replying

Not being an useful tool-friend as I was trained to be, as well as trained to attach my value to it

As if I didn't deserve anything in life unless I'm paying for it with either efforts or funds

Nothing good could come for free...

An existence trapped and doomed to have no love

For love is nothing but free and it's in all that's good

Now I'm ashamed and guilty and I can't even seek

Reconnection or getting help is such a far dream

I feel like I have failed everyone, everything and me

Above all things, me, such a disappointment

What a waste of breath, space. The list goes on...

But would the world really be better without me?

I don't think so, because I let my heart speak louder, if not all days at least sometimes

And I care about the future, and I care everytime more

But for my mind, nothing could ever suffice

I'll always be insufficient and unworthy

Never good enough even when making my ultimate efforts

And that is the truth for me

That is my core reality and you can't alter it

You don't get to come to my world and love me

Without no reason and no purpose, no effort and no price, like a fake scam prize when seen by my wary eyes

Your love offer is a mistake or a fake

The only thing it cannot be is real

Because if love is free and easy and natural

That means the whole world is upsidedown and

Nothing is as I seemed to perceive them

And right now it's overwhelming the whole idea of

Re-learning everything about life

Well I need to be alone and think these things thru

I'm so very burdened by the thoughts from outside of me

Maybe I'm just confused and need to clear my head

Be alone a while to let the energies settle and...

Let everything begin once more, with passion.