A rose and it's thorns

I've been struggling to transform chaotic feelings into coherent well-structured sentences that could increase the level of understanding between our confused hearts and minds. 

Today I had the chance to do something for the first time and as I discovered myself excited about it, I felt my soul immediately sharing the joy and excitement with the shadow of your soul that inhabits my mind space. And it took me almost an entire second to remember I couldn't really tell you it was about to happen or share any of it with you. And that simple realization was just what it took to swipe away my joy. Now I am here and I'm skipping out on something I've been waiting to partake in what feels like ages, but it sounds silly and of no importance at all unless I could share it with the only one person who can actually understand the importance and meaningfulness of the experience. 

Today I was having lunch totally isolated in the woods inside my car and screaming at the universe for saying things such as divine timing. If the universe was a person I'd beat the fuck out of him/her. I'd break their teeth against the floor with my bare hands, that's how mad I am. I refuse to believe that divine timing planned and schemed to make me hurt to a suicidal point. I refuse to trust that there's a God who knows my soul to it's very core and still expects me to believe that this unnecessary delay is actually beneficial. Maybe it even is, but to whom?! Not me, not my kids. Today Perseu asked me to come home tomorrow. He said "it's very simple. You get on a plane and you get here on the next day. So are you coming tomorrow?". I tried to explain I need a document, and it's expensive. He's five. When he understood it was not tomorrow, the light fled from his eyes once more and my soul died again for the thousandth time. My heart wants to run home 🏡

Tomorrow it'll be one year since I promised I'd be back to them. Not more than six months, I promised. And the world fell apart because I couldn't do something simple as lying. It burns and stings. I don't know why, but it does. It's never unnoticed. Guilt arrives even before the words touch the tongue like poison, heavy and steady.

So many things are getting lost in the shores of consciousness while I try to make sense of destiny...