The unknown

 Everything that I can't understand

Holds power over me, a power to inflict

Crippling fear and anxiety

I'm working on giving up the need to understand 

But with it comes the collateral effect of losing the ability to stay or care

I've been so scared of letting go

Yet I see absolutely no other alternative

And now comes once more the dreadful pain

Of starting from scratch, of healing wounds

Thay may never truly close after being so jaded

Here I sit with my shattered corpse

Trying at least to stop crying long enough to call my kids and wish them a merry Christmas

I'm at a crossroads with faith, feeling forsaken

Feeling invisible in the face of vile cowardly betrayal

There's no support left and all paths available

Seem to lead back to death

No glimpse of hope in my words today, nor in any other part of me

I sit here contemplating whether to end everything

With the guilt that comes with it

Out of a sense of responsibility for those I love

But how much pain suffices to say enough is enough?

What exactly is being expected of me on this mission?

Rape, abuse, violence, poverty, humiliation, manipulation, betrayal, heartbreak, bone breakage, disease, hunger, the pain of childbirth, endless lies, and so much that's better left forgotten clearly isn't enough to be bestowed upon the plate of this warrior carrying God's light of love. 

Perhaps death is just one more item on the list

My ultimate vengeance is to give up

Leave with the job unfinished

And refuse to ever return, and further more

Trap myself in the agony of limbo for eternity

All the while carrying the open scar of the ultimate betrayal

The one that could only come by the hands of true love